Parquet Wishes and Leprechaun Dreams

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Tommy Quotes

Anyone who followed my website back in the day knows how much I love Tommy Heinsohn (myspace.com) on color commentary during FSN New England (now Comcast SportsNet) broadcasts ... Unfortunately, it's looking like Mr. Heinsohn will be curtailing some of his announcing duties for the upcoming season (boston.com):

Tommy Heinsohn and Mike Gorman have been calling Celtics games together for 26 years; they teamed to cover some Providence College games for two years before that. That's longer than most marriages, pointed out Gorman, who has been married 21 years.

But the two will have some break time this season, when Heinsohn forgoes some of the team's road trips to stay home with his wife. In his stead will be Donny Marshall, the former NBA veteran and University of Connecticut star. In addition to joining Gorman as color analyst for 13 games, Marshall will be the studio analyst on the pregame and postgame shows alongside Gary Tanguay. Greg Dickerson, who again will be the courtside reporter, will be at road games for the first time.

While not directly addressed in the article, there has been talk in the past that the "Redhead from Needham" (Tommy's pet name for his wife) has been suffering from health issues as of late ... It's certainly not my place to speculate, but I'm sure you'll all join me in sending your thoughts and prayers to the Heinsohn family that everything is alright.

In any event, it'll be a shame not hearing that bombastic voice during every game of the new Pierce-Allen-Garnett era ... Another big part of my old site was chronicling the many funny/insightful/head-scratching comments that Mister Heinsohn would spout off during each game. Hopefully, he'll still be able to come up with some doozies on his reduced schedule, but - until then - I thought I'd post some of the better "Tommy Quotes" that I've collected over the years:

"If the coaches don't vote Antoine Walker into the AllStar Game, I'm going to shoot all the coaches ... "

"I heard through the grapevine that a moose yelled out 'I love Walter!' ... "

"You have nice crocodile legs, Cooz ... "

"There's Frankenstein, my favorite Macarena dancer."

"I'm gonna become president of the Clone-Marty-Conlon Club!"

"One time [as a coach] I walked up to [referee] Sid Borgeous and said, 'Look Sid, this game is on national television, and my mother is watching in New Jersey. So if you call another foul on one of my guys, I'm gonna walk up to the free throw line so my mother can see I'm alright' ... So, five minutes later Sid calls a foul on one of my guys, then leads me to the free throw line and says 'That's it for your mother'! And I never got another free throw against Sid Borgeous after that!"

"If the ref had called a foul, I would've jumped out of this building ... "

"I am going to solicit from the people watching at home, some kind of medication that will relieve me of my frustrations with these officials ... Send me a dowsing stick, anything! I need ANY kind of remedy to relieve my frustration with these [referees]!"

"As a player, I was Red [Auerbach's] whipping boy! Finally, I stopped him one day and said, 'You're getting on me so much in this locker room that the rookies are stealing my socks!' So you know what he does? He goes out to the locker room and he says, 'Rookies, stop stealing Tommy's socks!' HAHAHAHAHA ... "

"[Talking about concussions], I was playing in college, and one game I couldn't see the scoreboard but thought I was alright. Of course, a lot of people think that's my permanent state of mind ... "

"Danny Ferry is the multi-million dollar man who plays like a homeless person."

"Tony Delk has just come in for the Cougars ... I mean the Hornets."

"Now this may be creating heresy, but Paul Pierce reminds me of John Havlicek ... "

"Vitaly is one of those big guys who bangs people under the boards, I love guys that bang people!"

"I like Spike Lee ... everytime I see him I try to nail him!"

"There's Walter McCarty on the sideline beating his drum ... "

"Let's see how much I love Walter tonight ... "

"Muggsy Bogues gets between your legs and really makes it difficult to dribble the ball!"

"I don't go for trash talking. [The] answer to all trash talking is the final score. And you can talk all you want, after the game is over [you] walk by and say 'Nice game' after you beat 'em by 20! And just look at them and say 'Nice game' ... But these kids, this is all schoolyard stuff, where the whole culture changed in the schoolyard. I'm bigger, I'm better, I'm madder, I'm badder ... Larry Bird used to do this too, y'know!"

"Derrick Coleman looks like he's a little bit more in shape than he was during those preseason games; he's only got three rolls in the back of his neck now!"

"The next time Tim Hardaway goes to the basket, someone oughtta undercut him so that he falls on his head!"

"I'm gonna hafta belt Reggie Miller ... he's the two-guard version of Bill Laimbeer."

"When you're struggling [to score], it's like going to the dance and your fly is open, and you don't find out until after the dance is over ... "

"I will NOT be introduced to the internet! I'm one of those guys that, when I'm in a room with a computer, I'm a little intimidated ... Wilt Chamberlain couldn't do it, but that little box intimidates me!"

"Tim Duncan is a very protected player in college; anyone touches him and he's at the foul line ... I just don't see a fire in the belly of Duncan."

"The Celtics have thumb suckers on this team; we need a few adults!"

"General managers are always trying to go for the quick fix, [with] trades and wholesale changes; they always think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. But you know what's under that grass that makes it greener, don'cha?"

And now, my personal favorite, the one that I try to work into conversations at least once everyday:

"Rick Fox comes in to give Alton Lister a blow ... "

Hey, you stay classy, Tommy ...

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