Parquet Wishes and Leprechaun Dreams

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

The Chaun-O-Meter

Okay, so now that we've gotten the introductions from yesterday out of the way, it's time to reacquaint you all with some of the features from my old site that I will be implementing into this here blog ...

One of those features (that should factor heavily into the new site, since my focus will be on game recaps) is the infamous Boston Celtics Chaun-O-Meter! I used to get a lot of positive feedback from this, which is basically just my way of rating each game on a 20-point scale, from an instant classic to beyond dreadful (back in the late 90s, most games would - unfortunately - skew towards the latter).

Here's how it works:

17-20 (Ranking: "Killer") - If the game was rated in this range, it means that the Celtics annihilated their opponents. I mean, they absolutely slaughtered them, butchered them, etc etc blood blood guts ouch etc ... just like their leprechaun brother from the Jennifer Aniston film( With a score like this, you know that the boys in green were number one in the hood, G (


13-16 (Ranking: "Slam Dunk") - "Slam" as in "bodyslam", since we're talking about the only leprechaun to win wrestling championship gold (! A game with this rating signifies that the team went all out and was on the right track in their title aspirations ... if you smell what I'm cooking.

Now if I could only find a picture of Braun the Leprechaun ( ...


9-12 (Ranking: "Pulling a Wiggum") - A game ranked in this range wasn't particularly good, but not all that bad either. In fact, the game was nothing special ... unlike our good friend Ralph Wiggum (, who is very very "special" (how else would you describe a boy who keeps a leprechaun on his shoulder that orders him to "burn the house down!").


5-8 (Ranking: "Abnormal") - If you're not familiar with the picture to my left, then you might want to check out this video (, and you'll get a pretty good idea of why I would designate games under this rating as "abnormal"; the performance of the players just doesn't mesh with how a Celtics team is supposed to behave. There was no hustle, no competitive spirit, nothing - just a lackluster effort that leaves me feeling confused and, quite frankly, a little scared (


0-4 (Ranking: "Marshmallow") - While the cereal may be delicious (, a game ranked in this area will definitely leave a bad taste in a Celtics fan's mouth ... Like the proverbial purple horseshoes and blue diamonds, the Celtics were soft and played like a bunch of (you guessed it) marshmallows.


-1 (Ranking: "A Smurfing Disgrace") - It pains me to go into the negative numbers when ranking a game, so I do it only on very rare occasions, but sometimes a performance by the team is just so bad that it would make the spirit of Red Auerbach want to rise from the grave and punch you in the face ... To symbolize the wretchedness of such a game, I chose the graven image of a Smurf ( Yes, a Smurf is a leprechaun in its most perverted and distorted form - so mutated that it has lost even a sense of its natural color (green). A blue color means a sad day for the Celts.

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