"The Onion" rubs salt in the wounds ...

Celtics: 'That Was A Reasonable Amount Of Time To Be In The Playoffs' (theonion.com)

BOSTON—Boston head coach Doc Rivers expressed disappointment Monday in being eliminated in the second round of the NBA playoffs, but deemed the Celtics' four weeks of postseason play to be "plenty."

"You never want to go home early, but we aren't exactly doing that," said Rivers, who noted that the Steelers and Phillies spent four weeks winning their respective championships. "Last year it took us 59 days to win the NBA title, which actually seemed too long. A couple of times against the Pistons I forgot what we were even doing. Playing a month's worth of playoffs seems a lot more reasonable."

In other news, the Magic have expressed confidence in their ability to beat the Cavaliers over the course of the next two months.

Now I don't feel so bad ...

Remember how the Celtics blew a double-digit lead in the fourth quarter of Game Six against Orlando (sports.yahoo.com)? Remember how everyone said that the C's really dropped the ball and squandered a great opportunity to advance to the conference finals, that it was downright shameful to piss away such a chance to close out the game against an inexperienced team like the Magic?

Well, the almighty Cavaliers of Cleveland just blew a 15-point lead in a game that they were in complete control of - against those very same Magic players, remember! - whilst on their way to dropping Game One of the Eastern Conference Finals last night (google.com) ... so now I'm feeling a little better about that Game Six loss ;)

Not with a bang, but with a whisper ...

"Defending NBA champions" had a nice ring to it while it lasted :(

Now, it would be easy to blame injuries for the team's second round exit last night (nba.com); I mean, we've all been prepared as Celtics fans to use that excuse in the event that our team would eventually come up short in their bid to repeat as champs (come on, admit it!). However, that line of reasoning can only take one so far ... Truth be told (and I refuse to sugar-coat things), this team has played like crap on the defensive end pretty much since the beginning of the playoffs (come on, admit that too!).

I mean, I know Garnett is the alpha and omega in terms of our defensive intensity (and losing complementary defensive oriented players like Powe - and even Posey from last season - certainly doesn't help matters either), but we should NOT have seen the precipitous dropoff that we did against the likes of Chicago and Orlando. At times, these teams were getting to the basket at will, and that should just not have been allowed to happen.

The local broadcasters and columnists want to talk about "grinding" out wins and the team's gritty "never-say-die" attitude, and that's all well and good ... but you can't really hide behind those buzzwords to shield yourself from this unpleasant reality: losing just one of the "Big Three" (even if you consider him the biggest of the three) caused this team to free-fall from "world champions" to "mediocre playoff contenders." I'm sorry, but that's just the way things look from this fan's perspective.

Okay, I know I've been persona non grata here in the Celtics blogosphere this year (meaning I haven't really earned my place to bitch and moan), and maybe this is all just residual bitterness on my part after watching a season-ending 19-point blowout (in glorious HD no less!), but I just feel that the window of opportunity for this group of Celtics players to earn the label of "multi-time champions" is dangerously close to being slammed shut ... It's been said before, but Lebron and his Cavaliers are shaping up to be the Celtics of the 2009 playoffs; it just looks like their time to shine, and - if Bron Bron decides to stick around Cleveland for the time being - they just might be the team to beat for years to come.

Speaking of which, nothing to do now but hope and pray that the Cavs emerge victorious against the Lakers ... yes, that's the bitterness talking again ;)

BEAT LA! BEAT LA! BEAT LA!

John Cena, WWE champion ... and bandwagon jumper?

Images from sports.yahoo.com

These pictures were taken at the same game, yet it appears that Mister Cena would like to have it both ways.

Come on, Johnny boy, pick a side and stick with it ... you're from Massachusetts, for pity's sake, the choice should be obvious!

EDIT: I failed to notice that Mark Murphy had already picked up on this story (bostonherald.com):

You can't buy loyalty. Not even for a front-row ticket.

Professional wrestler - and pride of West Newbury - John Cena was given a seat right across from the Magic bench. He sat next to C's owners Wyc Grousbeck and Steve Pagliuca, who got the Celtics fan a jersey from the dressing room.

When Magic people noticed, they got him a custom Orlando jersey and, according to the Celtic types, said in effect that if wanted to stay in the seat, he had to put it on.

The locals may have been joking, but Cena didn't take any chances. Instead, at halftime, he got a piece of paper and a felt-tip pen and carefully made a sign, taking time to color in each letter:

"Leave the Magic at Disney!" he wrote.

Cena then proudly held the sign up for TV cameras.

Some more "Onion" levity ...

... Maybe this will help soothe the sting of having to face yet another decisive Game Seven (nba.com).

Startled Glen Davis Retracts Head Into Body (theonion.com)

Ewww, the skin around his neck-hole looks all wrinkly and gross ...

BigBabyMan!

I've basically ignored the entire playoff run here on the blog ... No mention of the incredible seven-game series against Chicago. Not a peep about the amazing Game Five comeback versus the Magic. Nothing.

So, now that I've finally decided to post again, why not make my return ... with another crappy Flash game!

Previous Entries in the "Crappy Flash Game" series:

• Celtris
• Resident Scalabr-evil 4
• Hawk Hunt
• Can You Find Ray's Shooting Touch?
• Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Ray Allen
• Red Versus the Zen Master
  

And now, behold the magnificence of ... PacBigBabyMan (fyrebug.com)!

Ernest Provetti (orlandosentinel.com) will stop at nothing to get an apology out of Glen "Big Baby" Davis! Eat the power-ups to enter "Raging Animal" mode and shut his trap!

INSTRUCTIONS
Use your keyboard arrow keys to move through the maze. When you grab one of the power items in the corner, you will be able to chase down and defeat the enemies!

EDIT: Hey, you can also find this blog post on CelticsBlog (celticsblog.com)!

Like Kevin Garnett, ANYTHING IS POSSIBULLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL ...

... except playing in the postseason, apparently (boston).

In an interview this morning on Boston sports radio station WEEI, Celtics coach Doc Rivers said it was likely that Kevin Garnett would not be available to play at all in the playoffs.

"After today there's no way he can play," said Rivers, who left open the possibility his star could return at some point in the postseason but was not optimistic.

An NBA source confirmed to the Globe this morning that Garnett was only about 70 percent healed from the knee injury, which occured during a Feb. 19 game in Utah, and that the Celtics All-Star would likely miss the entire postseason.

Ah shit ... That's my expert blogger analysis of the situation, by the way.

Shit shit shit shit shit.




SHIT!!!

Alright, I have to go focus on something else right now ...

Marc Spears doesn't read comic books

Whilst browsing the Boston Globe website this morning, my eyes were drawn towards this excerpt from an article penned by one Marc Spears (boston.com):

Garnett said he's looking forward to the added workload next week.

"That's fine. I'm with whatever the program calls for. At this point it's about getting better and getting healthier," he said. "I think Doc is worried about my wind a little bit. I told him I'm like [a] wolverine, I adjust quickly. They're trying to put the reins on me and I want to go, I want to go, I want to go a little bit. They just want to make sure that come playoff time I'm more than solid so everything's a precautionary mechanism."

Obviously, the brackets highlighted above signify Mr. Spears' belief that KG unintentionally left out an important article in that sentence, and was referring to your common everyday furry carnivorous mammal (en.wikipedia.org) ... However, if this were the case, then Kevin's comparison fails to make much sense; I mean, since when have wolverines been known for their "quick adjustments"? I guess they're fast little suckers, but that's not really the same thing.

No, Mister Spears, I would conjecture that Kevin was instead talking about Wolverine (note the capitalization of the w to signify a proper name) and - more specifically - the Marvel hero's mutant healing factor (wikia.com).

I guess we can't really blame Marc for not being a comic-book geek ... Big dude like that was probably a jock in high school, ripping the comix out of little kids' hands before stuffing them into their lockers ;)


EDIT: Hey, you can also find this blog post on CelticsBlog (celticsblog.com)!

The Onion comments on Marbury signing

Stephon Marbury Embroils Celtics' Big 3 In Elaborate Shakespearean Intrigue (theonion.com)

When the Celtics lost Sunday's home game to Detroit 105-95, Marbury, who was scoreless in his 12 minutes of play, could be seen smiling coldly from the bench as Pierce and Allen displayed greatly reduced chemistry, failing to pass the ball to open men or execute picks as effectively as they had in the past.

"I shall of these three fools now make my purse," Marbury was heard to say after the game, although he appeared to be addressing no one and perhaps spoke only to himself. "These stars are of a free and open nature, / And think men honest that but seem to be so, / And will as tenderly be led by the nose / As asses are."

When questioned about the meaning of his aside, Marbury said only, "I am not what I am."

We are the knights who say ... C(eltics)!

Kevin Garnett + Monty Python = COMEDY GOLD

NARRATOR: The time was 711 A.D., the Dark Ages. All across the land, men and women thirsted for the heart, hustle and soul of the game. The likes of which were said to be only found in ... the Holy G. Unfortunately, via sorcery and deceit, its whereabouts had been lost. Nevertheless, hope sprang when a warrior king and his gallant knights sought to unearth its secret location. This is an account of their quest.

["The Enchanter" (Kareem Abdul-Jabbar) and his talking goat appear before our heroes]
KG: What manner of man are you, who can swish a basketball like having a cup of tea?
GOAT: He's ... a legend!
KG: By what name is he known?
GOAT: There are some who call him ... Cap.
KG: Greetings, Cap the Legend.
GOAT: Greetings, King Garnett.
KG: [surprised] (Mother fucker) knows my name!
GOAT: It does! You thirst for the Holy G!
KG: That is our quest. You know much about it, Cap?
GOAT: Quite! He's seen G many times ...
KG: But where do we find this Holy G?
GOAT: Follow the long road to the cave of Holy G, but follow only if ye be well-hydrated, knights of valor, for the entrance of this cave is guarded by Game Seven!
KG: Game Seven?
GOAT: A creature so foul, so cruel, that it will dehydrate your soul! Brave knights, if you doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for defeat awaits you all!

NARRATOR: King Garnett the Glorious, joined by Sir Jeter the Gifted, Sir Jimmie the other Gifted, Sir Bolt the Gutsy, Sir Bolt's pet Ego, Misty and Kerri the Two-headed Three-legged Knight, Alicia the Girl who made horse-trotting noises ... Together, they refueled their thirst for adventure and replenished the dreams of many apprentices throughout the ages. The Quest for G!

[our heroes approach the castle of the Hecklers]

KG: Whoa, whoa! Dismount [everyone pantomimes the motion of dismounting their imaginary horses] ... Hello!
HECKLER 1: Hello?!
KG: We are on the quest for G, we've been galloping many days. May we rehydrate in your castle?
HECKLER 1: No! Have your women do our laundry, you lover of Hofstra!
HECKLER 2: Your father was a polar bear and your mother was a figure skater! You smell of flowers and sheep!
HECKLER 1: Girls do not belong on a man's quest!
HECKLER 2: Get your women to make us some cupcakes and pie!
HECKLER 1: And ... here's ... a ... pony!
[stuffed pony is catapulted towards our heroes, who scatter]
HECKLERS: [laughter]
[Misty and Kerri grab a pair of pumpkins and spike them right into the hecklers' faces]
KG: [petting the pony which is now real] That was genius ...

[our heroes move onto a bridge guarded by the JabbaWockeez]

KG: Whoa, whoa! Dismount! You hinder us in our quest for G!
DEREK JETER: Step aside!
JIMMY JOHNSON: Or we'll be forced to move you!
[JabbaWockeez initiate a dance-off, in which KG and his knights emerge victorious]
ALICIA SACRAMONE: What?
[JabbaWockeez stand aside and let them pass]
KG: Man, we're gifted!

[KG and his knights continue on and eventually board a boat, which soon begins taking on water]

KG: [to Alicia, who is about to throw a barrel of Gatorade overboard to keep the boat from sinking] No!
[Usain Bolt's ego, now ten times its original size, begins jumping up and down and rocking the boat]
KG: Usain! Your ego, it's gotten too big! We gotta throw it overboard, it's gonna sink the G-Boat!
USAIN BOLT: But I need him ...
KG: I'm sorry ...
[as the song "Without You" begins to play in the background, Usain takes off his gold medal and throws it into the ocean]
UB: Fetch!
[Bolt's Ego jumps into the water]
KG: That was gutsy ...

[our heroes finally arive at the Cave of Game Seven, where they see a dog bowl made of stone and hear loud growling noises coming from within the cave]

KG: [whispering as the group hides behind some rocks] Game Seven ...
[a poodle emerges from the cave]
AS: Game Seven's only a poodle? I can get past it ... [starts to advance upon the poodle]
KG: Girl, you crazy!
[Alicia does some gymnastic flips towards the dog, but it starts barking fire at her]
KG: Go get 'er, Jimmy!
[Jimmy tries to use his shield, but is eventually pinned down alongside Alicia against the walls of flame ... so, Derek Jeter begins hitting baseballs towards the poodle to distract it, giving the two a chance to escape and rejoin their comrades]
GOAT: [appearing to the group in a cloud] Follow only if ye be well-hydrated, knights of valor!
KG: [charging] Ahhh, let's finish this!
[the poodle breathes fire, but KG uses his shield to deflect the flame back at it, then grabs the poodle and shoots it like a free throw into the dog bowl, while the disclaimer "The poodle was not injured in the making of this motion picture" flashes across the screen]
KG: [does the "Yes!" fist pump]
[a beam of light hits the dog bowl, as the poodle emerges looking blackened and charred, while the voice of Michael Jordan speaks out as if from the heavens]
MICHAEL JORDAN: Honorable knights, G is not a place. G is inside of all of you.
[everyone drinks Gatorade from their bota bags]
MJ: Glorious ...

Check out this crazy-ass Gatorade ad campaign at the official site (missiong.com), or see some extended scenes via their YouTube channel (youtube.com) ...

Marbury question still up in the air

As you certainly know by now, Stephon has gone on record claiming that he received a verbal commitment from the Celtics that they will sign him once the Knicks buy out his contract, but now the Boston Herald comes out with a report disputing those claims (news.bostonherald.com) ... Wow, you mean Stephon Marbury might actually be making stuff up? Shocking!

There's also this quote from the man himself that I found ... well, "disturbing" is probably the right word to use:

"The question to be asked to the Knicks is: Are they fearful for me playing for another Eastern Conference team? My thing is, they shouldn't be fearful. They're trying to get under the cap for 2010. They shouldn't be worried about me. You had guys saying I was a distraction, I'm a cancer. If I'm all those things, wouldn't you want me to go to another team?"

Seriously, Mister Ainge, does that sound like someone you want to add to the roster?!?

Can you dig it, sucka?

During Thursday's 10-point victory over the Magic (nba.com), I noticed that Orlando big man Dwight Howard kept looking at his right hand after scoring a basket ... At first, I thought Dwight might've jammed a finger or otherwise injured the hand, but apparently that's just part of his normal routine (orlandosentinel.com):

It still has some comedic value, but Howard probably needs a new celebration after making baskets. After tossing in a running hook over an outstretched Kendrick Perkins and Garnett in the first quarter, Howard performed his usual celebration of running down the court and staring confusedly at his hands. For those who don't know what we're talking about, think "Is it the shoes?" with a visual aid. But for a guy promising wonderment while defending his all-star dunk contest title in February, Howard probably is due for a change for his in-game celebration as well.

In other words, Dwight wasn't checking on a potential injury, he was ripping off Booker T (tnawrestling.com) ...

Hey, don't stop there, Dwight; how 'bout breaking out the Spinaroonie (youtube.com) during the Dunk Contest?

ESPN.Com's take on the greatest sports franchise ...

After reading David Fleming's article over at Page 2 yesterday (sports.espn.go.com), my mind immediately jumped to those "Really!?! with Seth and Amy" skits from Weekend Update (snltranscripts.jt.org) ...

Really? You're seriously going to argue that the Pittsburgh Steelers are the greatest franchise in the history of team sports? REALLY? Wow!

Here's the part where he tries to discount the 17-time world champions and their accomplishments throughout the decades:

Are the Steelers the best sports franchise ever?

Purchased by Art Rooney Sr. in 1933, with $2,500 he supposedly won at the track (love that), the Steelers initially struggled for decades. But since the AFL-NFL merger in 1970 (something Art Sr. helped orchestrate), no one's been better. No one. And now, after seven Super Bowls, 30 postseason wins, seven championship games in the past 14 years, 19 Hall of Famers and the dynasty of the 1970s that includes probably the greatest, baddest football team ever assembled ... if you factor in the popularity of the NFL and the quaint but sturdy Midwestern soul of this franchise, it's hard to argue against what the Steelers have built.

Yes, of course, I know the Montreal Canadiens have won 24 Stanley Cups. But if we're talking about the best-run, most successful franchise in our lifetime, the Habs are disqualified for winning only two Cups in the past 30 years. There are the defending NBA champs in Boston, of course, who have collected 17 titles, but they too were largely a non-factor for the past two decades. The Cowboys? America's Team? Please. They haven't won a playoff game in a dozen years.

Anyone else find it odd that Fleming seems to go out of his way to avoid referring to the Celtics by name?

Anyway, it would appear that ESPN's readership is not buying into his argument, as an online poll at the site currently has the Steelers ranked third in a four-team race (sports.espn.go.com) ... For the record, the Celts are in second place, right behind the - ugh - Yankees.You'll notice that all of the New England states know what the correct answer is ;)

EDIT: Total votes have now passed 25,000 (25,327 as of January 26th), and the Celts are - sadly - still a distant second ...

New York Yankees - 47%
Boston Celtics - 26%
Montreal Canadiens - 13%
Pittsburgh Steelers - 14%

Thanks to "Dino Radja Experience" (Dino don't use no articles) for the shout-out!

I'd like to thank the fine folks over at "The Dino Radja Experience" (an hilarious Celtics-centric podcast that you all should check out) for giving my old website a plug on the December 30th edition (newengland.comcastsportsnet.com) of their program ... Of course, I had only gotten around to listening to the show yesterday, which shows just how far behind I've gotten in my listening habits!

Anyway, I had first checked out the show about a month ago and was immediately hooked, so I decided to shoot them off an email with a link to my old Dino Radja fan site (archive.org); I figured only like-minded individuals such as these would truly appreciate it.

Sure enough, hosts Rich Levine and Nick Altschuler gave it a mention (fast-forward to 18:13 for the relevant part), going so far as to declare me "the man" as well as their "biggest fan" ... I don't remember actually making such a claim in my email, but I'll happily take up the mantle ;)

"Cousy looks like a dwarf ... "

The College of the Holy Cross has decided to dedicate the latest issue of the school's official magazine to one of their most famous alumni ... You might recognize the name Bob Cousy, ever heard of him?

The college has seen fit to provide several features from the magazine and make them available on their website at:

http://www.holycross.edu/magazine/

There's a lot of good stuff there for anyone's who is an admirer of the legendary Celtics point guard ... Everything from audio clips from an interview with the man himself, to a photo gallery, to a great piece written by noted sports columnist Dave Anderson (nytimes.com) which details Cousy's impact on basketball at both the college and pro levels.

If that's not enough, there's even a complete reproduction (in PDF format) of "The Bob Cousy Story", a biography in comic-book format which first appeared in the April 12th (1962) issue of "The Treasure Chest of Fun and Fact" (wrlc.org) ... Holy Cross Crusaders, Batman!