We are the knights who say ... C(eltics)!

Kevin Garnett + Monty Python = COMEDY GOLD

NARRATOR: The time was 711 A.D., the Dark Ages. All across the land, men and women thirsted for the heart, hustle and soul of the game. The likes of which were said to be only found in ... the Holy G. Unfortunately, via sorcery and deceit, its whereabouts had been lost. Nevertheless, hope sprang when a warrior king and his gallant knights sought to unearth its secret location. This is an account of their quest.

["The Enchanter" (Kareem Abdul-Jabbar) and his talking goat appear before our heroes]
KG: What manner of man are you, who can swish a basketball like having a cup of tea?
GOAT: He's ... a legend!
KG: By what name is he known?
GOAT: There are some who call him ... Cap.
KG: Greetings, Cap the Legend.
GOAT: Greetings, King Garnett.
KG: [surprised] (Mother fucker) knows my name!
GOAT: It does! You thirst for the Holy G!
KG: That is our quest. You know much about it, Cap?
GOAT: Quite! He's seen G many times ...
KG: But where do we find this Holy G?
GOAT: Follow the long road to the cave of Holy G, but follow only if ye be well-hydrated, knights of valor, for the entrance of this cave is guarded by Game Seven!
KG: Game Seven?
GOAT: A creature so foul, so cruel, that it will dehydrate your soul! Brave knights, if you doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for defeat awaits you all!

NARRATOR: King Garnett the Glorious, joined by Sir Jeter the Gifted, Sir Jimmie the other Gifted, Sir Bolt the Gutsy, Sir Bolt's pet Ego, Misty and Kerri the Two-headed Three-legged Knight, Alicia the Girl who made horse-trotting noises ... Together, they refueled their thirst for adventure and replenished the dreams of many apprentices throughout the ages. The Quest for G!

[our heroes approach the castle of the Hecklers]

KG: Whoa, whoa! Dismount [everyone pantomimes the motion of dismounting their imaginary horses] ... Hello!
HECKLER 1: Hello?!
KG: We are on the quest for G, we've been galloping many days. May we rehydrate in your castle?
HECKLER 1: No! Have your women do our laundry, you lover of Hofstra!
HECKLER 2: Your father was a polar bear and your mother was a figure skater! You smell of flowers and sheep!
HECKLER 1: Girls do not belong on a man's quest!
HECKLER 2: Get your women to make us some cupcakes and pie!
HECKLER 1: And ... here's ... a ... pony!
[stuffed pony is catapulted towards our heroes, who scatter]
HECKLERS: [laughter]
[Misty and Kerri grab a pair of pumpkins and spike them right into the hecklers' faces]
KG: [petting the pony which is now real] That was genius ...

[our heroes move onto a bridge guarded by the JabbaWockeez]

KG: Whoa, whoa! Dismount! You hinder us in our quest for G!
DEREK JETER: Step aside!
JIMMY JOHNSON: Or we'll be forced to move you!
[JabbaWockeez initiate a dance-off, in which KG and his knights emerge victorious]
ALICIA SACRAMONE: What?
[JabbaWockeez stand aside and let them pass]
KG: Man, we're gifted!

[KG and his knights continue on and eventually board a boat, which soon begins taking on water]

KG: [to Alicia, who is about to throw a barrel of Gatorade overboard to keep the boat from sinking] No!
[Usain Bolt's ego, now ten times its original size, begins jumping up and down and rocking the boat]
KG: Usain! Your ego, it's gotten too big! We gotta throw it overboard, it's gonna sink the G-Boat!
USAIN BOLT: But I need him ...
KG: I'm sorry ...
[as the song "Without You" begins to play in the background, Usain takes off his gold medal and throws it into the ocean]
UB: Fetch!
[Bolt's Ego jumps into the water]
KG: That was gutsy ...

[our heroes finally arive at the Cave of Game Seven, where they see a dog bowl made of stone and hear loud growling noises coming from within the cave]

KG: [whispering as the group hides behind some rocks] Game Seven ...
[a poodle emerges from the cave]
AS: Game Seven's only a poodle? I can get past it ... [starts to advance upon the poodle]
KG: Girl, you crazy!
[Alicia does some gymnastic flips towards the dog, but it starts barking fire at her]
KG: Go get 'er, Jimmy!
[Jimmy tries to use his shield, but is eventually pinned down alongside Alicia against the walls of flame ... so, Derek Jeter begins hitting baseballs towards the poodle to distract it, giving the two a chance to escape and rejoin their comrades]
GOAT: [appearing to the group in a cloud] Follow only if ye be well-hydrated, knights of valor!
KG: [charging] Ahhh, let's finish this!
[the poodle breathes fire, but KG uses his shield to deflect the flame back at it, then grabs the poodle and shoots it like a free throw into the dog bowl, while the disclaimer "The poodle was not injured in the making of this motion picture" flashes across the screen]
KG: [does the "Yes!" fist pump]
[a beam of light hits the dog bowl, as the poodle emerges looking blackened and charred, while the voice of Michael Jordan speaks out as if from the heavens]
MICHAEL JORDAN: Honorable knights, G is not a place. G is inside of all of you.
[everyone drinks Gatorade from their bota bags]
MJ: Glorious ...

Check out this crazy-ass Gatorade ad campaign at the official site (missiong.com), or see some extended scenes via their YouTube channel (youtube.com) ...