Parquet Wishes and Leprechaun Dreams

Friday, May 15, 2009

John Cena, WWE champion ... and bandwagon jumper?

Images from sports.yahoo.com

These pictures were taken at the same game, yet it appears that Mister Cena would like to have it both ways.

Come on, Johnny boy, pick a side and stick with it ... you're from Massachusetts, for pity's sake, the choice should be obvious!

EDIT: I failed to notice that Mark Murphy had already picked up on this story (bostonherald.com):
You can't buy loyalty. Not even for a front-row ticket.

Professional wrestler - and pride of West Newbury - John Cena was given a seat right across from the Magic bench. He sat next to C's owners Wyc Grousbeck and Steve Pagliuca, who got the Celtics fan a jersey from the dressing room.

When Magic people noticed, they got him a custom Orlando jersey and, according to the Celtic types, said in effect that if wanted to stay in the seat, he had to put it on.

The locals may have been joking, but Cena didn't take any chances. Instead, at halftime, he got a piece of paper and a felt-tip pen and carefully made a sign, taking time to color in each letter:

"Leave the Magic at Disney!" he wrote.

Cena then proudly held the sign up for TV cameras.

Some more "Onion" levity ...

... Maybe this will help soothe the sting of having to face yet another decisive Game Seven (nba.com).

Ewww, the skin around his neck-hole looks all wrinkly and gross ...

Thursday, May 14, 2009

BigBabyMan!

I've basically ignored the entire playoff run here on the blog ... No mention of the incredible seven-game series against Chicago. Not a peep about the amazing Game Five comeback versus the Magic. Nothing.

So, now that I've finally decided to post again, why not make my return ... with another crappy Flash game!
Previous Entries in the "Crappy Flash Game" series:

And now, behold the magnificence of ... PacBigBabyMan (fyrebug.com)!
Ernest Provetti (orlandosentinel.com) will stop at nothing to get an apology out of Glen "Big Baby" Davis! Eat the power-ups to enter "Raging Animal" mode and shut his trap!




INSTRUCTIONS
Use your keyboard arrow keys to move through the maze. When you grab one of the power items in the corner, you will be able to chase down and defeat the enemies!


EDIT: Hey, you can also find this blog post on CelticsBlog (celticsblog.com)!

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Like Kevin Garnett, ANYTHING IS POSSIBULLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL ...

... except playing in the postseason, apparently (boston).
In an interview this morning on Boston sports radio station WEEI, Celtics coach Doc Rivers said it was likely that Kevin Garnett would not be available to play at all in the playoffs.

"After today there's no way he can play," said Rivers, who left open the possibility his star could return at some point in the postseason but was not optimistic.

An NBA source confirmed to the Globe this morning that Garnett was only about 70 percent healed from the knee injury, which occured during a Feb. 19 game in Utah, and that the Celtics All-Star would likely miss the entire postseason.
Ah shit ... That's my expert blogger analysis of the situation, by the way.

Shit shit shit shit shit.




SHIT!!!

Alright, I have to go focus on something else right now ...

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Marc Spears doesn't read comic books

Whilst browsing the Boston Globe website this morning, my eyes were drawn towards this excerpt from an article penned by one Marc Spears (boston.com):
Garnett said he's looking forward to the added workload next week.

"That's fine. I'm with whatever the program calls for. At this point it's about getting better and getting healthier," he said. "I think Doc is worried about my wind a little bit. I told him I'm like [a] wolverine, I adjust quickly. They're trying to put the reins on me and I want to go, I want to go, I want to go a little bit. They just want to make sure that come playoff time I'm more than solid so everything's a precautionary mechanism."
Obviously, the brackets highlighted above signify Mr. Spears' belief that KG unintentionally left out an important article in that sentence, and was referring to your common everyday furry carnivorous mammal (en.wikipedia.org) ... However, if this were the case, then Kevin's comparison fails to make much sense; I mean, since when have wolverines been known for their "quick adjustments"? I guess they're fast little suckers, but that's not really the same thing.

No, Mister Spears, I would conjecture that Kevin was instead talking about Wolverine (note the capitalization of the w to signify a proper name) and - more specifically - the Marvel hero's mutant healing factor (wikia.com).

I guess we can't really blame Marc for not being a comic-book geek ... Big dude like that was probably a jock in high school, ripping the comix out of little kids' hands before stuffing them into their lockers ;)


EDIT: Hey, you can also find this blog post on CelticsBlog (celticsblog.com)!

Thursday, March 5, 2009

The Onion comments on Marbury signing


When the Celtics lost Sunday's home game to Detroit 105-95, Marbury, who was scoreless in his 12 minutes of play, could be seen smiling coldly from the bench as Pierce and Allen displayed greatly reduced chemistry, failing to pass the ball to open men or execute picks as effectively as they had in the past.

"I shall of these three fools now make my purse," Marbury was heard to say after the game, although he appeared to be addressing no one and perhaps spoke only to himself. "These stars are of a free and open nature, / And think men honest that but seem to be so, / And will as tenderly be led by the nose / As asses are."

When questioned about the meaning of his aside, Marbury said only, "I am not what I am."

Thursday, February 5, 2009

We are the knights who say ... C(eltics)!

Kevin Garnett + Monty Python = COMEDY GOLD
NARRATOR: The time was 711 A.D., the Dark Ages. All across the land, men and women thirsted for the heart, hustle and soul of the game. The likes of which were said to be only found in ... the Holy G. Unfortunately, via sorcery and deceit, its whereabouts had been lost. Nevertheless, hope sprang when a warrior king and his gallant knights sought to unearth its secret location. This is an account of their quest.

["The Enchanter" (Kareem Abdul-Jabbar) and his talking goat appear before our heroes]
KG: What manner of man are you, who can swish a basketball like having a cup of tea?
GOAT: He's ... a legend!
KG: By what name is he known?
GOAT: There are some who call him ... Cap.
KG: Greetings, Cap the Legend.
GOAT: Greetings, King Garnett.
KG: [surprised] (Mother fucker) knows my name!
GOAT: It does! You thirst for the Holy G!
KG: That is our quest. You know much about it, Cap?
GOAT: Quite! He's seen G many times ...
KG: But where do we find this Holy G?
GOAT: Follow the long road to the cave of Holy G, but follow only if ye be well-hydrated, knights of valor, for the entrance of this cave is guarded by Game Seven!
KG: Game Seven?
GOAT: A creature so foul, so cruel, that it will dehydrate your soul! Brave knights, if you doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for defeat awaits you all!

NARRATOR: King Garnett the Glorious, joined by Sir Jeter the Gifted, Sir Jimmie the other Gifted, Sir Bolt the Gutsy, Sir Bolt's pet Ego, Misty and Kerri the Two-headed Three-legged Knight, Alicia the Girl who made horse-trotting noises ... Together, they refueled their thirst for adventure and replenished the dreams of many apprentices throughout the ages. The Quest for G!

[our heroes approach the castle of the Hecklers]

KG: Whoa, whoa! Dismount [everyone pantomimes the motion of dismounting their imaginary horses] ... Hello!
HECKLER 1: Hello?!
KG: We are on the quest for G, we've been galloping many days. May we rehydrate in your castle?
HECKLER 1: No! Have your women do our laundry, you lover of Hofstra!
HECKLER 2: Your father was a polar bear and your mother was a figure skater! You smell of flowers and sheep!
HECKLER 1: Girls do not belong on a man's quest!
HECKLER 2: Get your women to make us some cupcakes and pie!
HECKLER 1: And ... here's ... a ... pony!
[stuffed pony is catapulted towards our heroes, who scatter]
HECKLERS: [laughter]
[Misty and Kerri grab a pair of pumpkins and spike them right into the hecklers' faces]
KG: [petting the pony which is now real] That was genius ...

[our heroes move onto a bridge guarded by the JabbaWockeez]

KG: Whoa, whoa! Dismount! You hinder us in our quest for G!
DEREK JETER: Step aside!
JIMMY JOHNSON: Or we'll be forced to move you!
[JabbaWockeez initiate a dance-off, in which KG and his knights emerge victorious]
ALICIA SACRAMONE: What?
[JabbaWockeez stand aside and let them pass]
KG: Man, we're gifted!

[KG and his knights continue on and eventually board a boat, which soon begins taking on water]

KG: [to Alicia, who is about to throw a barrel of Gatorade overboard to keep the boat from sinking] No!
[Usain Bolt's ego, now ten times its original size, begins jumping up and down and rocking the boat]
KG: Usain! Your ego, it's gotten too big! We gotta throw it overboard, it's gonna sink the G-Boat!
USAIN BOLT: But I need him ...
KG: I'm sorry ...
[as the song "Without You" begins to play in the background, Usain takes off his gold medal and throws it into the ocean]
UB: Fetch!
[Bolt's Ego jumps into the water]
KG: That was gutsy ...

[our heroes finally arive at the Cave of Game Seven, where they see a dog bowl made of stone and hear loud growling noises coming from within the cave]

KG: [whispering as the group hides behind some rocks] Game Seven ...
[a poodle emerges from the cave]
AS: Game Seven's only a poodle? I can get past it ... [starts to advance upon the poodle]
KG: Girl, you crazy!
[Alicia does some gymnastic flips towards the dog, but it starts barking fire at her]
KG: Go get 'er, Jimmy!
[Jimmy tries to use his shield, but is eventually pinned down alongside Alicia against the walls of flame ... so, Derek Jeter begins hitting baseballs towards the poodle to distract it, giving the two a chance to escape and rejoin their comrades]
GOAT: [appearing to the group in a cloud] Follow only if ye be well-hydrated, knights of valor!
KG: [charging] Ahhh, let's finish this!
[the poodle breathes fire, but KG uses his shield to deflect the flame back at it, then grabs the poodle and shoots it like a free throw into the dog bowl, while the disclaimer "The poodle was not injured in the making of this motion picture" flashes across the screen]
KG: [does the "Yes!" fist pump]
[a beam of light hits the dog bowl, as the poodle emerges looking blackened and charred, while the voice of Michael Jordan speaks out as if from the heavens]
MICHAEL JORDAN: Honorable knights, G is not a place. G is inside of all of you.
[everyone drinks Gatorade from their bota bags]
MJ: Glorious ...
Check out this crazy-ass Gatorade ad campaign at the official site (missiong.com), or see some extended scenes via their YouTube channel (youtube.com) ...