The Onion weighs in on the NBA Lockout

These guys are always good for a larf (onionsportsnetwork.com) ...

Any hope for the 2011 NBA season may soon disappear in a confusing morass of mutual greed, antitrust litigation, and David Stern's uselessness. Onion Sports breaks down the key points and what they mean for the fans:

• Lebron James, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh are now legally obligated to find something else not to be the champion of
• All jammas will be without slammas for the foreseeable future
• Despite having no obligation to do so, Knicks owner James Dolan will continue sending Eddy Curry checks out of habit
• Until the players union reassembles, children shooting hoops in their driveway are legally prohibited from pretending to be any current NBA player
• Although talks continue, both owners and players are expected to reject Kobe Bryant's offer to be paid $2 billion to play an entire season by himself
• As All-Star Weekend is now canceled, there can be no resolution of whether the league's rookies or sophomores are better by means of a single game in which everyone is trying to make cool dunks
• That old Peja Stojakovic jersey at the Champs Sports in the mall is now 50 percent off
• The NHL will continue to go unwatched and unloved
• Despite disagreement on almost every issue, owners and players alike will continue to mutter "Shut up" whenever David Stern starts talking
• Over the next few weeks, players and ownership hope to resolve issues over money while at the same time destroying the sport of basketball forever